We’ve all been admonished not to shop when we’re hungry. Why? Because our hunger will affect our decision-making. We won’t be as discerning and our impulse control will be diminished.
Result? We’ll buy more than we need – because we have a deficit that we feel some urgency to fill. Everything will look good to us. We’ll buy items that we don’t typically buy and/or we’ll buy things that aren’t good for us.
Because our discernment filters aren’t functioning properly, we’ll engage in some magical thinking, i.e., we’ll make up excuses for why our errant choices are OK or at least justified. We’ll tell ourselves things like, “It’s been a while since I’ve had that…Just this one time…I really need something, and I need to have it now.” Sound familiar?
When we’re single-and-looking, we can get hungry, too. Hungry for friendship, companionship, conversation, sex, someone to share a meal with.
When we’re hungry to be in a relationship, the same dynamics will occur regarding our relationship shopping as for our food shopping. We’ll say yes when we should say no. We’ll go too fast too soon – the equivalent of buying too much. We’ll rationalize and make excuses for our choices. And when it’s all over, we’ll be left to deal with the pain of the breakup as well as the shame of having betrayed ourselves and our values. Ouch.
It would be natural to want to pin the responsibility for our choices, decisions and behavior on the other party or “circumstances,” but that is not where the responsibility lies. It lies with us. We allowed ourselves to get too hungry and then went shopping.
As single adults, it’s our job to keep ourselves from getting too hungry. We need to keep our relational tank filled - with people, places and activities that restore, maintain and/or enhance our sense of connectedness. We have to make this a priority. If we don’t, we’ll feel hungry, and that will leave us vulnerable to making poor choices.
Some hungry single people come to see me for matchmaking services earnestly believing that meeting someone is the remedy for their hunger. It’s not. If I were to match them with someone when they are hungry, the pairing will likely not go well. They will need more from that relationship than it can provide. They’ll make poor decisions, like going too fast too soon, and will inadvertently sabotage the potential inherent in the match.
Some single people are serial daters, moving from one relationship to another. Sometimes even starting the next relationship before the current one ends. They are perpetually hungry because they haven’t developed a network of single friends and contacts to fill their needs for connection.
Bottom line: First, actively and intentionally build a social support system for yourself as a single person. At the same time, seek out activities and groups that will allow you frequent and/or regular contact with other single people in a context that is comfortable and pleasurable for you. Maintain those contacts indefinitely. Add more if you can. Single people need more friends than married people do.
When you find yourself feeling hungry, reach out to your support group rather than shopping for a new relationship.